01.11 : Look at the mirror and move on...

Good evening lambs,

It's about 11:30 pm on a Sunday evening and I am gathering my thoughts for tomorrow.  Tomorrow, I am back in my own salon after working at my friend's salon as a guest artist.  I love when I have the chance to work with her.  It's very very fulfilling. 

Tonight as I go through my schedule for the week, I see a shift in the middle of the week on Wednesday as we approach Yom Kippur.  In Judaisim, Yom Kippur is the holiest of days and the "day of atonement". 
On that day, we re-evaluate looking at the past 10 days of Rosh Hashanah and fast and pray and meditate and ask the Creator for forgiveness for any flaws or faults we may have performed in the past year.

This past year, I have been very guilty of ego, very guilty of taking my life for granted professionally and financially and have had moments of just shear abandonment from friends and clients that I channeled outward as resentment and malice. My passionate personality can turn from passionate and driven to obsession and angry in the drop of a hat.  

It's not the public's view of me that shames me or leads to guilt, it's the internal battle I have with the "opponent" (ego) inside of me.  That's kinda deep, I know.  But I do love knowing that I'm NOT perfect.  I fuck up, just like everyone else.

The difference this time in my life is that I have CAUGHT IT!  

I told a peer of mine the following story about being angry at a client and angry at a situation that wasn't dealt with properly.  After this client ransacked my Facebook with hateful messages and contacted other clients to blaspheme against me, I was at the point where I wanted to buy out my lease and leave Colorado.  No shit! For real.  I had a moment of wanting to just give the fuck up. (there's not another way to say it).

I went home, closed the shades, stood in silence, walked back and forth and prayed and silently meditated until I received an answer.  I asked, "God, the Creator, what am I missing?  What the fuck am I missing?! Tell me"  

In desperation, I was searching in my intuition, asking God, looking inward and pacing like a Sufi in circles til the energy cleared, I started to weep and received the following message:

"be patient"

I stood still, eyes red, said thank you and continued on my day in my office. 

It later hit me in an ah-ha moment that in order to be patient I had to BE PRESENT in the moment.  Be calm, take life for what it is.  Take people for who they are.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  All the spiritual messages I have written about or talked about came to me.  WHY WASN'T I TAKING MY OWN ADVICE?

The answer: pride.

Pride is part of ego.

Letting go of ego starts by forgiving yourself for your flaws. In order to practice patience, you cannot walk around the world looking at the clock or expecting a thing.  So, sitting in my salon, on a day where no one was scheduled began this.  Sitting in my office at Studio JRy with my phones and email open while I worked on blogs and bills for the "p" in the spelling of "patience" for me.

I'm still very impatient as a person, but I am learning that in order to get past what has happened, you HAVE TO forgive someone for what they have done.  NO MATTER how hard.

Forgiveness comes in many forms.  Mostly as a by-product of deceit or assumptions. 

When someone deceives us, we feel used.

When we assume something of someone or build them up in our brains, we feel stupid and guilty for a crime or sin we haven't even really committed.  The fantasy or assumption is the embryo of a lie.

I have had to look at petty items in my life like who has been blocked on Facebook.  Some were exes, some were former clients, some were fans of my blogs or web pressence, some were liars that wanted to deceive me and use my words against me AND my friends.

Here's what I have learned, in conclusion:

To forgive an ex, I have to accept that I do not want to be used... and move on.

To forgive a former client or business associate, I have to accept that we do not agree in my services or talent and... move on.

To forgive a "lamb" fan that took something personal.. I have to ask before I post, "is this for the betterment of my image and business"... and chose not to post and move on.

To the deceivers in this world.. I have to stop assuming.  The assumption that everyone is interested in me for the good of humanity is a fantasy! I am NOT for everyone.

But I also have to realize, they are mirrors.  If all those four archetypes are mirrors, then I am guilty of 

-giving too much

-using my ego and NOT my talent

-exposing too much

-trusting too much.

I believe that the Creator created us all as good humans that sometimes make bad choices.  I have to learn when to see a "mirror" and when I have to distinguish a genuine connection or move on...  

It is what it is.

Maya Angelou said it best: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Warmth,

Josh