Sunday, October 12, 2014

Inside Studio JRy: Defeated

Good evening friends,

How has your weekend been?

How has your transition to fall been?

I have to tell you, it's been a difficult two weeks.  Very difficult.

Situations have included: being asked to leave restaurants by bigot owners, being asked to leave organizations, being told I'm not funny, being forgotten and taken for granted, being yelled at in bars and involving my friends have all spiraled to me just wanting to take a break.

I could bore you with each of the above mentioned issues, but it's very hurtful for me at this time to know I'm been blatantly left-out of events, blatantly lied to and blatantly reminded that I am not everyone's favorite person.

It's been a good six months of transformation since I said goodbye to Andrew being in my life, but it has been a roller-coaster with his friends since he moved.  I have repeatedly been attacked verbally and publicly by these vicious human beings on numerous occasions because they felt I did not handle the falling out with my former best friend properly.

It's funny to me that I quit speaking to him because he, himself, slandered my named online and in person to each of his friends and months later, I am still dealing with his stories and accusations.  There are two very very mouthy people in town that continue to surface and I can't agree with them more that it's best I'm not associated with him anymore... what they've been told is not true, but being salacious wins in this town I've learned.

This past Friday evening took the cake as I was trying to have a talk with a friend of mine.  I was not in a very good mood after hearing a very honest response to approaching someone about possibly dating them. From that point on, my entire night involved over-drinking, too many energies flying my way and my eventual and desperate need to go home.

Leaving a bar intoxicated and angry is not a smart decision.  Nor is using social media to vent your problems you're having.

I'm not upset that "my crush" didn't want to be with me, I'm saddened that the evening continued to snowball into a mix of anger and jealousy.  

I know there are other people interested in him and it urks me to think and to know I will not be the one holding his hand during the holiday season.  Oh well.  Move on, right?

My other conflict is that I adore him to pieces as a person.  I wanted to ask him if we were ever going ot date before I REALLY started to catch deeper feelings for him.  I could give him space, but that's not gonna fly.  I'm sad we won't be romantically linked, but I am happy to know such a smart, witty person.  I don't want to be the drunk friend that lost his shit at the bar, so I have to make the situation better.... I don't know how yet.  Hopefully, he understands that I am human and have the right to feel the way I do.

On to more business: a local awards show came again this year and it's the first year I was not nominated.  I'm quite hurt by this as I don't feel there was a fair count of nominations and I don't feel that it was fairly put together by the organization that counted the votes.

Rumor has it that I could have BOUGHT my nomination as some salons, businesses and individuals did.  There is even rumor of someone shutting me out and buying out my votes for the mere fact to guarantee a SNUB at the awards ceremony.

I don't know what the last two weeks has taught me!

Am I a glutton for punishment by putting too much interest in what others think of me? 

or ...

Am I being attacked?

I think it's a pure mix of both.

Love lost -that's one thing.  I can move on and wait for it to find me, but truth is, I'm very tired and very jaded thanks to an ex or two that left me with ZERO trust in the romance department.  It is absolutely agonizing to talk about it.

Awards- you know what? I have many.  I also have a fucking amazing career.  I don't need a paper, a plaque or anyone's approval to know I fucking matter.  My business is through the roof right now!  Absolutely amazing clients grace my books and that's what matters.  I'm also on fire right now with booked comedy gigs and still getting invited to the biggest, most elaborate functions in this area and industry wide.  

I've said it once, twice and many times: I have a PERFORMER's schedule.  Always a place to be and always people to entertain and schmooze with.

Reputation- I did not do myself any justice this weekend when it comes to reputation.  Word is that I'm "intimidating" and "boisterous".

To me, those are perception.  People that know me don't say shit like that.  People that are LOOKING IN to my life have another view of some person they've read about and heard about.  They could never and WOULD never be good friends to me or anyone.

For once in my life I feel defeated.  The ego can only take so much of a beating.  Frankly, I don't want to stroke the fires anymore and wish to move on silently.  

If that means no more texting friends, so be it, but I don't think punishing them will do anything except reflect how hurt I feel.  Right now, I need my friends.

Taking a break from my life is no longer an option.  In the past, I would go on these "hiatuses" called "JRy Hiatus".  I'm tired of those.

Something everyone is going to have to understand is that I am here! 

I have to follow my advice I give others almost daily: "wake up, say thank you, put your make up on, do your hair and get dressed and seize the day."

Sometimes, I hate LISTENING to my own advice....



I was telling my mom that from time to time in my life and career, I have felt like a dark angel who's wings have been ripped off repeatedly.  Every time I am thrown from Heaven, I come back stronger and wiser and with much larger wings that carry me further than the Heavens and I will NOT stop til I am so far up that only the stars will be my friends.

Take that for what you will, but I'm flapping now....

Respectfully,
J


2 comments:

  1. "I don't need a paper, a plaque or anyone's approval to know I fucking matter." AMEN! I love your approach to this rough spell.. My career is all I have. My entire self worth comes from being the best I can possibly be for 13 hours 3-4 times a week. My life outside of work is marginal at best so when work isn't great my entire world gets turned upside down.. I've had my fair share of stretches like your describing here and every time that I've made myself stick through it, kept knocking away at it, and persevering.. I've come out not only on top but better than I was before. I went through exactly this moving out here and I'm on the upswing now. I'm going to be a better person because of it, not just a better nurse but a better person completely. Hang in there and keep being the amazing, funny, brilliant, witty person you are and that I adore you for. I just know you'll be feeling better before you know it <3

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  2. I wish we could have been better friends. I miss you lots.

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