02.04 : It's A Countdown

Good evening Rockstars + Lambs!

May I ask a serious question? 

Do you ever feel that when you need everyone the most is when they are never ever there? That's how I feel lately.  It's not how I like to start blogs or internet entries, believe me. 

I am sitting my robe, freshly bubble bathed, and sipping cognac.  I am having a richboy-luxury moment of taking the "edge" off.  Can we just say, it has been been an "alright" week, but not fun emotionally? That's what it is: "not fun". 

I haven't spoken to my best friend in four days.  He's busy with finals this week and it's like I only have Mariah Scarey meltdown when he or my mom are busy.  The other night, I was very sad and had verbal diarrhea on Twitter.  Not something uncommon from me, but it happened.

Last week, a girl came up to talk to me and my friend that I do not care too much for.  Long story short, I snubbed her because she used to be a client of mine.  My friend, being the gentleman he is, talked to her and I was being a bitch.  At the end of the night, a mixture of drunkenness and tired Josh settled in to tell my friend I was sorry  I acted like an ass.  I slept horribly that night and blew his phone up the next day.  He said, "I got your message."  

That was all I needed to be settled.  As I hung up, I said, "ok" to myself and off to see my Guela we went.  My Guela is suffering from a brain tumor at the moment that will affect her health for the rest of her life.  Every 28 days, she has a steroid shot administered to suppress the growth of the tumor.  I had NEVER SEEN her on the 28th day of a round.

My mom administers the injections and comes back drained for three days to a full week at times.I get so sad seeing her deal with this, so this time, I decided to go.  As I walked in my grandmother's home, I saw a frail, old woman (she never acts like that!) I am used to a strong Spanish woman with vigor!  But to my surprise, I saw a meek human that could barely walk.  It literally fatigued her to speak. 

My mom and Guela excused themselves and went on to administer the shot.  When my grandma came back in the room, it was miraculous: her color came back, wrinkles went away, vigor and strength returned and her attitude was ON POINT.  She began to tall colorful stories...

I got quiet.  A lump formed in my throat.

As we left my grandmother's house, I began to weep.  Weeping funeral style as we took the highway home, weeping, sobbing, breathing, speaking in blurbs and random messages of God, the Light and how horrible and empty I felt seeing her like that. 

Weeping.

Tears that not only messed up my bronze, injected face, but also a cry for sanity.  What had I just seen?

I saw Death.

Death is suppressed every 28 days for my grandmother and my mom has to watch this occurence.

 

My mother recently lost her father this year and with my grandmother's tumor as a monthly affair, all I could think about was how unfair this stress is to her and why on Earth my uncles (her brothers) are nowhere to be found to deal with this shit.  Why does my mom have to?

Why did I want to?

The next day at work, I was silent.  Tuesday, silent again.  My mom visited me at work and let me know that there has been stress at work.  Let me guess, it's only been two days since seeing grandma.  

As I left work that night, I started to cry all the way home listening to my iPod.  I had to release stress the only way I know how: go on a bender.

Drink drink.  Facebook. Tweet. Drink Drink. Facebook. Tweet.  My poor besty.  I inboxed him how devastated I was.  

He has to think I'm crazy!

Not only am I attitude; I'm crazy.

I can't wait for finals week to be over so I can congratulate him for acing everything and have him back.  With his absence and my mom's stress-load, the two rocks of my life are missing in action this week.  This makes for a very fragile Josh.

Today, everyone that came to see me talked to me about sad things in their lives and I advised them as usual.  My problem seemed equal to theirs, but did not dissappear.

I'm angry.  Not at my mom, not at my best friend, not at my grandma.  I'm angry that no one else can see what it going on.  

I've lost so much respect for family members and friends this year.  As I saw my grandma perk up for the next 28 days, I thought to myself.....

"Do they even understand what 28 days feels like?"

It's not peace.  It's not strength.  It's not vigor. 

It's a countdown.  A countdown to another shot.  

I need my rocks at this time to keep me strong.  I cannot watch another grandparent suffer.  Not again.  I can't see my mom carry the burdon.  I need her siblings to step up to the plate and help.

I need to stop releasing my stress publicly and with alcohol, but..... 

my countdown has just begun.

PS: i want to thank my mom and best friend AJL for being who they are.  I need them like never before.