It's 2:30 in the afternoon and I'm just going through my work week trying to tie all of my loose ends together before the weekend starts off. There isn't much going on in my life or much involving many people at this time in my life.
Frankly, I've been more concerned with tending to business and browsing clothes and shoes for a lit of events I have coming up later this year. Is that too diluted of me? I don't think any more than normal.
I had a lot of responses to the last blog and want thank everyone for believing in me and sending well-wishes hoping and praying for a larger salon space. At this time, I haven't followed up at all with any meetings or anything really. I am at a stand-still as I wait for the "ok" from investors. I've never ever ever ever had to work with investors and I'm still not sure as to how I feel about it.
You know, the advice I give people is that: when in doubt, don't do it.
It's hard taking my own advice, ya know? A part of me is very content in my business and part of me is overzealous to get a new concept started with a great staff. The theory of "build it and they WILL COME" is not always a reality.
As I've shared with many my intentions of a cool-ass large salon, some people come up to me and reply:
"I thought you wanted small."
"Are you still going to do hair?"
My closest friends say "do it" and then I have some that doubt me and nothing hurts worse than doubt from a close friend.
I shared with a friend recently that I was pricing real estate and feeling out the market in California... Just a thought.
She abruptly interrupted me with, "So. um. How soon til you make THIS happen?"
I said, "I don't know . Just a thought."
She said, "Josh, you tend to work fast with ideas and if you want it, you normally try to get it ASAP."
I don't agree with her. It took me 18 months to plan Rockstars + Lambs and there are days I'm still NOT happy with my investment. Then, on a smooth day, it's as if God let me know I made a good call.
One of the main things that stops me is that I constantly stop and inspect my finances. I have to be honest: I made ALOT of financial mistakes when I was younger and as I started making GOBS of money, I started partying and buying label-items. Material things don't show you anything about yourself except how much of your bank balance is going away.
When I think of the people I spent money on and look around, not one of those motherfuckers is here to offer advice or a listening ear, much less pick up a drink at the bar.
Most of them have gotten pregnant, married, don't do much for their careers like when we were younger. Nothing. Not one damn thing.
You might call me jaded. HAHa.
I would call me a "burnt bitch". My feelings are still hurt by many things and it has shown the last few months, if not years.
I sometimes feel like the only one on my side is my assistant. She just gets it! She knows my next move before I make it. I have two great friends in my life that are sometimes not all they are in my brain. One of my friends is very critical of the other and the other can offer criticism and it erks my female friend.
Recently, my friend expressed concern that I may be building my best friend up in my mind. I saw her point, but you know what? I don't agree. I don't agree at all. All I see is jealously.
However, on the other hand, I feel very empty in all my "friendly" relationships at this time. It's a sad day at Josh's house.
For me, I feel like if I don't have a "gift" for someone, they don't give a shit. As soon as I give or buy something, they're right there.
The other thing I am not happy with is being talked into a corner by people that have been labeled my confidantes. I don't like someone assuming that talking down to me is the way to allow me room to grow.. it's bullying!
I don't believe that you can befriend a bully and I certainly don't think a good friend would mean to bully.
As I think about the space I'm in mentally, I have to share the following with you:
Last Volume, I had a love interest. The love interest fell through. We had a great couple days (and nights together) and an excuse was made that he would not be able to see me. I have seen this person multiple times out at the same watering hole.
The first time, I was with my best friend and ignored him. The next time I saw him, it was he and I alone in the bar. I asked him if I could speak to him.
He replied, "sure."
As I went to talk to him, my words and demeanor became so transparent that I began to drink more and ask intruding questions, then, I did what I hate most: I BULLIED him into an answer as to why he didn't like me.
He excused himself and went to the restroom. I ordered a shot crown and proceeded to get wasted.
The next morning, I woke up forgetting what had happened verbally at the bar. I was so embarrassed and didn't even remember paying my tab. I did however reach out to both my friends via text with no response received.
As I sat in silence for most the morning, I was annoyed at not only my behavior, but at the double standard that has been applied to me.
I will never bully someone to like me, love me, or want to be with me. But I will make damn sure that if you say you're my friend, you act like one.
One of the most disheartening feelings in the world is the feeling of rejection and with that said, I think it's evident what this post is about.
I've been rejected and critiqued and want it fixed.
Where do I even begin?
I love my friends and want this in my life, but I have to tell you that when I am constantly doubted, rejected and made second best, it's the same as slamming me against a wall and asking me to be quiet.
Don't be a bully. Be my friend.
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